Ode To Pluto

And then there were 8... Pluto was demoted yesterday. No longer a planet, it is now deemed an 'icy dwarf'. My world's messed up today. There have always been 9 planets - in fourth grade my teacher Mr. Van Auken marked one of my exam questions wrong when I said there were 8. I want a recount! There have also always only been seven dwarfs. Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey... and Icy? No way. That sounds more like the name of a Spice Girl than a Dwarf.

Then there's the term 'Dwarf' itself. That's offensive. Perhaps something more politically correct like 'diminutively-statured astral mass' would be better.

I'm normally not a conspiracy theorist, but I do have to question the timing of this move. School teachers all over our country have either just gone back or preparing to go back to school for the new year. Think of their having to remove those outdated Solar System maps and models and update them at the last minute. Panic! Hysteria! Why couldn't this move have been made in June?

Think also about all the astrology readings that have been amiss over the years. Those folks promise to read the aligment of the planets. AHA! It ain't a planet, you sorceress-hoser! It's a Dwarf! Shows how much you know! If I consorted with those kinds of folks, I'd be calling an attorney.

I hate to be the one to sound the discrimination horn, but has anyone else noticed that Pluto has that oblong orbit thing going on? Its orbit isn't shaped like that of all the other planets. Discrimination. I don't know about you, but I long for the day when a planet will not be judged for the measurement of its trajectory, but for the content of its character. Someone should call Jesse Jackson.

Finally, I bet Al Gore will surface somewhere soon, blaming the whole thing on Global Warming. Pluto WAS a planet, you see, until Soccer Mom's and their eco-killing SUV's, and the Bush Administration, and their neglect, reduced it to space ice.